I’m an Idiot


Picture created by Yesenia Collado

Yesenia Collado, Journalist

I know what you’re thinking, why am I an idiot? Well I’ll tell you. But first, let me tell you who I am. I’m the type of student who tries to sit in the back and be the least involved as they can. I have social anxiety which is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people. In other words, I practically fear social interactions but I try my hardest to blend in and go unnoticed by anyone. It’s hard though, when I’m taking all of these honors and advanced placement classes especially since my teachers don’t know nor do they care about students like me, especially those who try to not participate as hard as they can. I’m not saying that teachers are heartless but some will go out of their way to make you feel embarrassed. Yet some teachers never saw how hard I tried because my C was really my best and that C was like an A to me, but not to them. There was a time in my junior year when I was struggling and I tried my hardest to get help from my teachers as much as I could but as hard as I tried I was never satisfied with my grade but no one saw my struggle. All anyone saw was a quiet girl who never talked much and was never late but sat in all these advanced classes. Maybe I wanted recognition for all the work I was doing but I never got any of that because maybe I wasn’t “trying hard enough.” Truthfully I contemplated suicide in my sophomore year because it was incredibly difficult to stay on task when there was a war raging in my head and swords clashing in my blood and the ringing of warcries in my ears. It wasn’t anything that was going on at home because my life is actually amazing and I really mean it but it was something in my head and my teachers didn’t know nor could they understand the struggles I was having, all they could think about was me not doing the work in their class or not getting an A. Not only did they humiliate me but the worst part was that my fellow classmates didn’t believe I belonged in the class. I try my hardest to step out of my comfort zone, interact with the class and stop the fear from taking over.

Although at this point, it’s not even the teachers that make me feel like I don’t belong its the incredibly talented students who do. Particularly when they complain about how easy a course is when there are students who are struggling to keep the grades they have the way they are. Its students like me who sit in a classroom and wonder if they should’ve ever taken the class in the first place. It’s not because students can’t learn-it’s because they’re overwhelmed with the intelligence of others and feel like whatever they do they’ll be judged for it. I’m not saying that these advanced classes are bad but the stigma they bring is. Instead of bragging about how great the smartest students are, take some time to recognize the ones who are trying their hardest. I’m not the only one who seems like they are underappreciated. Lily Xu, a senior when asked “Is there any class that you don’t feel as confident in?And do you think it’s because of the teacher or the students?”, she responded with, “Ap Economics” and after a short pause she said, “Mainly the students.”Cathy Zheng, a senior, responded to the same question saying,” Physics C because I’m not good at physics.” When asked if she felt intimidated she responded with a simple “No.” But there are students just like Cathy who don’t feel like its anyone else’s fault but themselves. Lauren Li, a senior, responded to the same question with, “Ap Computer Science. Its because all the people in there are really smart. And even though I heard my friends that it was really easy, I still feel uncomfortable with all the smart people around me.” I think people can relate to Lauren and the way she feels in her class because I’ve certainly had that feeling before.

Image created by Yesenia Collado

However, there are more students who share the same sentiment as them, for example, some students said, “teachers who don’t cater to all the various student learning capabilities”, “teachers who can’t teach”, “students that brag too much”, “were not all smart”, “I’m not Einstien”, “stop forgetting about my past achievements and stop holding me accountable for one mistake I made”, “I don’t have an A but that doesn’t mean I don’t try just as hard”, “I have straight A’s but it doesn’t mean I’m perfect.” These are all responses of students who are scared to say these things to others but confided in me if I wouldn’t mention them by name.

I look at the word idiot and see letters that stand for Intelligent, Determined, Independent, Optimistic and Triumphant. And I think everyone needs to associate idiot with those words. So yes, I am an Idiot.