What is on your mind when you’re all alone at home or surrounded by many? Are you happy with all this extra time on your hands or do you have less time? If you are not okay, that’s alright.

Truthfully if you ask me, I’d say I’m actually in the best mental health state I’ve ever been. This is fascinating because at this point in time many are struggling with mental health. But when you put it into perspective and break down the reasons for why my mental health is the way that it is it’s because there’s no need for unnecessary social interaction. When schools were open I struggled with walking through the front gates of the school which seems like such a simple task. It’s not though, because I feel judged every time I walk through those school gates. It’s all in my head but it’s there. It’s a constant nagging that’s difficult to get rid of. School scares me because I don’t make friends as easily as others and when you’re sitting in a class of 20 or more people it bothers you and it bothers you, even more, when you realize there are about 4,000 more students around you. Sometimes a simple hello could’ve made the difference between a fake plastered on smile and a real one. Although my state of mental health is perfect many people don’t feel the same.

I had made a joke about social events getting canceled like prom on social media and ended up getting mixed comments on a post I made. Gabrielle, a peer who follows me but who I don’t really know said,” How could you say something like that I’ve been waiting all year to finally get to hang out with friends at these social events?” To which I responded with it’s easy for you to say because you have friends what about the people who wish they could go to these social events and not feel alone in a crowded room. She said,” I never really thought about it that way. I never really considered how a simple hello to you could’ve made your day. Maybe I could’ve made more friends if I stopped to think about the quiet ones like you who sit in class and don’t say a word.” Levine, also someone I don’t talk to responded with,” I’m actually kind of glad that these social events won’t be happening because I won’t have to put up with my friend’s friends who I don’t particularly care for. Also, I’m sorry I never talked to you we might’ve been friends.” I responded with no we probably wouldn’t because you have quite a tight-knit group of friends and I don’t mean that in a bad way. He said,” Yeah I understand but hey if this whole thing gets better you can come with me and my friends.” To which I wanted to say I don’t want anyone’s pity but I didn’t. Most people don’t actually know but I’m pretty social once you get to know me you just actually have to talk to me.

You’re probably wondering what I said to have irked my fellow peers. Well, it was something along the lines of being glad that people wouldn’t be getting that social interaction they needed to survive. That it was nice they’d finally feel the pain that I had felt on a daily bases when sometimes I’d go full days with no one saying a word to me. Yeah, it probably wasn’t the best thing to post but It’s how I felt. If you need help reach out to someone trustworthy or call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK. In the words of Marshmello and Halsey just BE KIND.