One of the most irritating rebuttals in an argument is the other party speaking for you as if they truly understand your experience and try to direct your anger elsewhere as a result of their annoyance at the truth. Often, this involves the neglect of the actual issue itself and focuses more on protecting their self image which reveals their priority of what is more important- racism, misogyny, homophobia, and other discriminatory behaviors someone has to endure vs. personal feelings. This usually contains the “not all” argument. For example, a woman can be speaking about her experience with constant sexual harassment walking down a street. The man would then respond with “Well, not all men are like that. I’m always nice to women.” In this statement, the man would be deflecting the matter at hand and redirecting the purpose of her statement. This minimization of the topic of sexual harassment fails to care for the woman’s experience. While the conversation could have been what could be done to combat sexual harassment, the conversation transitioned into ignoring the reality of it.

Speaking over does not just occur regarding genders, but on a multitude of topics including racism, sexuality, and other shades of discrimination. A white person would not suffer the same experiences as a Black person, so what makes the white person think that they know more than the Black person and have any right to tell them how to feel and react? The white person would lack the ethos in their argument as they lack the genuine understanding of topics like racism in policing and the prison system. Had the white person actually understood the suffering of the Black person, they would become an ally- someone who listens to the Black person and utilizes their energy to combating racism itself, not telling the Black person to calm down and defending the idea of “not all white people ____.”

Speaking over is infuriating for the person who is trying to shed light onto their own humanity and societal-issued oppression that isn’t always seen in black and white. While someone will most certainly agree that it was awful to be part of the gay community in the 1800s, it is more difficult to recognize that gay people still encounter discrimination, hate crimes, and are still marginalized in this country despite gay marriage being legal. It is a consequence of discrimination being less black and white that leads to things like speaking over since one party is unable to understand the shades and nuances. However, it is also not the minority’s job nor obligation to explain anything. To be a good ally means to understand that there are times where you will need to self-educate.