I never realized that I was internalizing racism and misogyny until I learned about the terms internalized racism and internalized misogyny. It never occurred to me that there would even be a vocabulary word dedicated to it. When hearing of those terms, this is what plagued my thinking:

Regarding internalized misogyny, I believed that women should remain modest if they didn’t want to be slut shamed. I thought that I was better because I played video games as a girl and rejected anything “feminine.” I prided myself in not “needing” makeup and shamed girls who would cake it on. I was a tomboy and anything girly was not appealing. It was too “try-hard” to want to dress up. I felt superior in rejecting femininity and in a way, more desirable.

Regarding internalized racism, I hated anything about me that didn’t cater to eurocentric beauty standards. I hated my eyes, which had limited lid space and was too small to fit the perfect, desired almond shape. I didn’t like the way my nostrils expanded when I smiled and I hated how much bigger my nostrils were compared to people I considered pretty (which were most likely white women). My hair was too black and had no texture like the women I see online. I especially hated the fact that I had uneven tans that developed back when I did P.E. I didn’t like that my face was a shade or two darker than my body and it didn’t help that colorism was prominent in East Asian culture too. I did everything to try and make my skin lighter- applying sunscreen vigorously, doing anything I can to get papaya soap (believed to be skin-lightener), and consistently exfoliating my skin.

Looking back at it, it was hard work for that sort of upkeep. It was toxic thinking that permeated my everyday lifestyle and restrained myself from genuine freedom and rebellion. I find a pattern of PoC always internalizing some sort of oppression early on in life and it is all a product of eurocentric beauty standards, rampant misogyny, and oppression ingrained into our vocabulary and what is considered acceptable to society.

Internalized misogyny and racism weren’t the only types of oppression drilled into my mind. I ate up all kinds of oppression. I internalized capitalism and thought that everyone could achieve their dreams if they worked hard enough without taking into account how ableist that is and the neglect of systemic oppression in that thinking. Oppression isn’t always blatantly exposed. It is poisonous and it implants itself into the minds of people until they repeat everything their parents repeated for the cycle of oppression to continue. This is how generations of people are enslaved. The most powerful form of oppression is not physical, but in the mind.