Before I transitioned as a communist, I was anti-Black Lives Matter and one of the strongest proponents against feminism. A few years back, I was completely against “free the nipple” movements and believed women should stay modest with their sexual behavior and expression. I prided myself in being a “gamer girl unlike the other girls” and shamed girls who wore makeup.

A lot has changed since. Anyone who dares slut shame will be shut down immediately and ferociously. I became a strong champion for expressing your sexuality in all forms, I advocate against the taboo of breasts, gamer girls are the same as women who don’t play videogames, and makeup is a beautiful form of art. I didn’t realize I was internalizing misogyny until I learned what it was to internalize misogyny.

I wanted to be different. I didn’t want to be just another, typical girly-girl who only cares about makeup and boys. That idea in itself is misogynist. But I wanted to be unlike the rest. I wanted to be desirable and to fulfill this appeal, I ate up the culture of misogyny and abided by the rules that shackled my freedom by myself. I became one of my own oppressors that restricted self-liberty and attributed to even more misogyny by allowing men to solidify these ideas that women are more desirable if they do ____ and ____ because I said so myself. These became consequences as I battle against patriarchy as a feminist now.

I thought I didn’t need feminism. I thought I didn’t need feminism until I came across an article of a woman in the Middle East sentenced to a thousand whippings and about eight months in jail for taking a taxi and leaving the house without her husband’s permission. This was the spark that disrupted my internalized misogyny as I cried and cried for her. I was grateful I had the freedom to leave whenever I wanted even as a pre-teen. She was a grown woman, and she didn’t.

I thought I didn’t need feminism until I began to be more in-tune with my sexuality not as a joke anymore, but to actually express it in all forms of art. I thought I didn’t need feminism until I was slut shamed by people who thought they were helping keep me safe. And still, my own mother cannot help but remind me that I am “cheap” for being sexuallly active. Even now, years after my awakening, I am constantly slut shamed by men who cannot see past my sexual expression or feel obligated to sexual activity as a result of my honesty. I thought I didn’t need feminism until I ended up in dangerous situations that threatened my well-being. As a consequence of it all, my sensitivity towards slut shaming is heightened to the point where there is not much forgiveness for people who test my patience.

I thought I didn’t need feminism until I became conscious of the fact that I am a victim of ruthless, merciless misogyny and am especially as a feminist now. Calling myself a feminist didn’t seem appealing even though I went against my parents every time they tell me “how are you going to get a husband with an attitude like that?” or “no one’s going to marry you if you can’t cook or clean” my entire life. I didn’t like the idea of needing feminism and so I internalized misogyny to prove my independence only to realize the genuine liberation is being autonomous without the motivation to please others and allowing women to have the freedom to also do so without judgement and shame.

It’s all simple now that I’ve crossed away from self-ignorance. All genders should be able to do the same things as men free of shame. It’s their body, their mind, and their life. Whether girls wear makeup or show cleavage, the only question that matters is: are they a good person?